Oh this boy of mine. He was sent to stretch and warm my heart in ways no one ever has.
He is a follower and a leader, imitating his sissy while trying to exert his own will. He is complex and difficult to understand, but incredibly easy to love. He is craziness and confusion, yet with him in my arms it all seems to make sense.
He is so full of zest and his own ideas. He speaks what he thinks. He is unafraid. He does not shy away from feelings, from boundaries, from adventure, from getting what he wants, from giving and receiving love.
I often think with excited anticipation of the things God will do with my boy who is so bold, opinionated, and uneasily swayed. I know he won’t be afraid to tackle the problems he sees in the world, and hopefully in himself. I know he won’t run from a challenge or a conflict. I know he won’t feel his identity or reputation is threatened as he showers people with love, even those who are tough to reach. I know all this because he doesn’t have to wait to be used by God in big ways. God already uses him.
He uses him daily to challenge and refresh me. He unearths the best in me and refines the worst. He humbles and uplifts me. He exhausts me but breaths into me new life. He is draining and replenishing.
His eyes speak of innocence and affection. They break into the worst of my funks. They dance and laugh and scream and beg to be heard. They are honest and and transparent. In his eyes I see his struggles and triumphs; his deep wishes and desires pour out of them even when he doesn’t have the words, even when his words get in his own way. On our worst days those eyes are a life-preserver for me. I grab a hold of them and float along even when we are tossed about by the waves of temper, confusion and frustration. His eyes speak the truth of the depths who he is. They tell me all he wants is to be loved and to love.
And he is. And he does.
I don’t know anyone who loves like my boy. He loves with the perfect combination of reckless abandon and tenderness. His exuberance pours out of him, as if he cannot contain his love and sees no reason to. He is puckered lip kisses, a head on my chest, hug after hug (because “my need a kiss. A hug.). He is unafraid to ask for love and unbridled in his attempts to give. it. He has taught me how to love better. I pray he will be equally unabashed in worshipping and loving his God.
His love, his hilarious little personality, his quirks, his passion, his feelings that fill a room, the bigness of him-all bring me so much joy. His excitement for life and other people in contagious. Through him I hear God telling me to live bigger and to let the small stuff go. I feel God pulling more out of me so I can be more excited about the little moments in life, so I can let kids be kids and be more of a kid myself, so I can control my emotions and not be controlled by them but yet let myself go when I need to, so I can give more of myself to the ones I love.
He is only two-this boy of mine. Yet God has packed him with so much that sometimes he doesn’t know what to do with it and it spills out, usually onto me. And I clean it up. And I pick through it. And I learn from it as I put it back together-discarding what is needs to be let go. I hope as I learn I can impart some wisdom to him. I hope I can let him be two but still prepare him to be twenty-two and forty-two and eighty-two. I hope I can savor each part of him, molding and directing him as he grows. I whole-heartedly want to preserve the essence of who he is-who God made him to be. As I look at him at twenty-two and forty-two and as he leaves a legacy at eighty-two, I hope that there is still a large part of who he is now. I hope throughout his life, however old he may be, he is still very much this two year old in front of me now.