A letter to my unborn baby

Dear fearfully and wonderfully made one,
We had an ultrasound again today. Despite all the worry associated with the bleeding it has been pretty nice to see you already! Everything is looking fine with you. The bleeding is from my uterus, resulting from strain most likely from my c-section. I am not sure what this will mean for a VBAC but we will have to wait and see, and hope.
Daddy and I were amazed at how much you have developed in the 3.5 weeks since we have seen you last. You went from a little gummy bear to a little stick person! You have long arms and legs (which were punching and kicking wildly) and a defined face. I have never had an ultrasound at this point in my pregnancy before so it was cool to see this stage of development. I saw the profile of your little face and couldn’t help but think of the countless times I am sure to smooch those cheeks and lips. And how many times just looking at that sweet smile and twinkling eyes will bring a smile of overwhelming joy and love to my face. It really never gets old to see your baby growing inside you. Life is such a miracle and I consider it such a blessing to be able to house your feeble, growing life for these next months. I consider it an honor to be chosen by God to be your Mommy-your earthly steward. In so many ways I know I am not worthy.
I look at the little family we have now. We never knew we could love someone so much before Hayleigh was born. Then we wondered if that love could possibly duplicate for Braxton and it did. Now I am excited to see the love multiply again as we welcome you into our family. Someday soon we will look back and not be able to imagine a time when you were not an integral part of our home. I can’t wait to meet you and get to know your ins and outs. It is bit daunting but really more exciting and joyful. Whenever I get lost in the idea of having yet another young child to take care of I try to remind myself how blessed beyond words I am. God said He would never give us more than we could handle, but He never said it would be easy. I am grateful that God thinks I am able to handle being a Mommy to three wonderful children. I can’t wait to see you again and find out whether you are a boy or a girl. Hayleigh is convinced you are a sister and calls you Cindy. When I told her you might be a boy she replied “Boys aren’t sisters!” I know either way she will come around and love you as passionately as she loves Braxton.
We are excited for our family to grow and expand with love as we welcome you in it. What a wonderful opportunity for more love. Well, sorry to cut this short but your siblings are awake from their naps. I will write again. Love you!


A post mother’s day ramble

I haven’t written in a long while. I blame it on life and lack of motivation/inspiration. I blame it on the fact that I have felt like varying degrees of crappiness for the past couple of months, and for good reason. I am actually 12 weeks pregnant today. Most of the people who read this blog are my family and close friends so to you this is old news. But never-the-less I felt it warranted a blog mention. hehe.  I also blame it on a intentional break from reading creative blogs. I just needed to immerse myself in my own reality for a while. I also had to distance myself from the reality of other people who are are talented enough at balancing all that is on their plate to actually create the fabulous things that only are born and die on my to-do list. It can be depressing to see real homes and blogs full of loveliness that I can only dream of ( and covet). I found that while I was taking my break I felt less anxious and bogged down by lists and tasks. I didn’t create much of anything. Now I am feeling a twitch developing so it won’t stay that way for sure. I just need to cut back on who and how much I read, so I can really devote more of my own presence to my family and not be caught up in my own obsessive head space. I figure with a family that continues to grow, this is the least I can do to best fulfill my role here. I am not saying by any means that people who are able to juggle it all and create a fantastic new blog-worthy masterpiece every day or two are not good moms and wives! Not at all. Who I am to know! I just know for me it didn’t feel right…or even possible.

Anyway, what do you post about after having been absent for the better part of two months? I guess I will just talk about my projects during that time…my family. (Also a bit of laying on the couch for fear of moving and losing my entire lunch, but we can skip that part.) Since this past weekend was mother’s day, it also seems appropriate. I am one blessed lady. I have the family I have always dreamed of. Some moments feels more like a nightmare than a dream. And I have to be honest, the moments where my kids are whining and screaming and snotting everywhere, I find myself thinking of the rather large bump I am working on, and it seems like a bit of a nightmare. Amidst all the craziness though I find myself reflecting on all I have already learned in my past 3ish years of parenting. I think of how far I have come as a person without even realizing it. It makes those moments where I look at how far I have yet to come feel a little more manageable. God has used each of my children to teach me very different things in very different ways. I am getting pretty excited about what baby #3 will teach me too.

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Hayleigh has taught me what instantaneous love is.  She taught me how to feel protective of someone, to really sacrifice, without it feeling like a sacrifice for someone. She taught me what it feels like to fulfill your calling. I guess you could say she made me a mom.

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She gave me confidence that despite being young, and poor, and kind of clueless and me that I could do this whole mother thing. She filled a void in my life that I knew was there because I could feel it, but I had never been able to diagnose what was meant to fill it. She taught me what it means to be connected to another person when you really know nothing about them except that they are yours. She taught me unconditional love. She pointed me to how God must feel towards me, and in the process made me feel the gravity of my role in the journey we were embarking on. Since, she has taught me how to try to wrangle my emotions and anxieties to try to be a godly example for her sensitive spirit. She has taught me to be more content with the passage of time, enjoying each stage as it comes rather than wishing my life away.

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Braxton has taught me that I am not enough for my children and my children are not enough for me. He taught me to rely on God. He humbled me as a mother. He taught me what it means to really fight for something that you want, to fight for love. I think Hayleigh taught me unconditional love and Braxton deepened that understanding. He gave me more sympathy and compassion. He taught me that I will never have it all together, but that my kids will love me for trying. He really taught me to revel in the small things, something I am really enjoying thanks to him. He has taught me to stop trying to slow time down and freeze it. He has taught me the other side of enjoying the here and now: not mourning the inevitable passage of time. This is something I still struggle with. He taught me how to give even when I thought the “giving well” inside me was empty. He challenged me in ways that Hayleigh never did. Part of this was probably just adding another kid into the mix to begin with. Whatever the reasons I am so grateful for the challenge. My victories in parenting now seem sweeter. I am more genuine, and grounded and well rounded (and all those other “oh she is so real and so cool” clichés).

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Baby #3 is already teaching me things. I am still wrestling with learning and accepting the things God is trying to teach me, but I can see already that this child is meant to teach and mold me in entirely different ways than his/her siblings. For instance, I am learning to rely on others for help more. I am learning to prioritize and accept that not everything is going to get done. I am learning that I need to allow myself the time I need to process this whole “unplanned” pregnancy and not feel guilty because I am a bit overwhelmed by it. I have had some bleeding on and off for a couple of weeks now and don’t have any real concrete answers. All day mother’s day I spent wondering whether or not I was miscarrying and even now I am not 100% sure that everything is okay with this baby. (I have an ultrasound on Friday). I am learning, yet again in my life, to surrender to God’s plan. And I am learning to choose gratitude even when I it is not my first feeling.

We took this picture Mother’s Day evening (when I look at myself in it I want to gag…can you say huge all over?!)  I feel that whatever happens with this baby I needed to document it’s life and the lessons I am learning along the way.

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There is so much beauty in my life. I am thankful for a husband who helps me to see the sunshine despite the occasional clouds and who truly partners with me in life. Mother’s Day was a lovely celebration of all the beauty.

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