Turns out I am an impatient person. You would think after having my fair share of trials over the years that have required patience and being forced to surrender control I would be a little further along in being cool with the whole waiting game. Apparently I am stubborn too.
Right now in my life I find myself stuck in the waiting room. I feel as if at any point my name will be called at my circumstances will change. A big part of this has to do with being pregnant and a few weeks away from having a baby. It is pretty hard to feel like I can plan or accomplish a whole lot when I am so incredibly uncomfortable as I wait for this little person I have been cooking from scratch to come meet us and change our world. Another big part of it involves a lot of crap that has been going on with Peter’s job. It just has us hanging on day to day in this seemingly never-ending waiting game. And to be honest, I have really had enough. To be even more honest, I really haven’t handled it all that well. (Sorry for being cryptic, but I really don’t want to go into the details.) My m.o. is to go to a place of constant, consuming worry and anxiety. I have done pretty well not going to that place, but instead with this trial I find myself in relatively new surroundings. I find myself struggling in a place of anger. I am angry about the injustice of it all, angry at Peter’s superiors, angry at the timing of everything ( -ya know end of my pregnancy, beginning of holiday season), maybe if I am honest a little angry at God for not just letting us ever seem to have smooth sailing for any extended period of time in our lives. I think I am just angry because I hate waiting and I hate not knowing when the waiting will end and I hate not being in control. And now I am angry about being angry because I don’t like this new color on me.
I don’t want my baby girl to be born into this difficult work situation. I don’t want to look back on her birth and be flooded by feelings of tension and stress. Mostly though I don’t want my baby girl to meet an angry Mommy.
I went looking for this scripture verse the other day: “Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31 I have it hanging in my office in a non-NIV version, the version I memorized it in, although I am not sure which version exactly that is. What made me think of it was the part about waiting. Seemed pretty applicable as I wallowed in self-pity, frustration and anger. “Ok God, here I am being a martyr, waiting for you again. Go ahead and lift me up and remove my suffering.” When I looked it up in my Bible, which is an NIV, I instantly crumbled. The NIV says “Those who hope in the LORD…” My waiting has not been full of hope. The way I have been waiting has been so full of ugliness, entitlement and lies that it has led me straight to anger. With Peter’s job we are waiting for things we are owed in the worldly sense, but I needed to remember that God is not in debt to me. He doesn’t owe me anything.
It was also a good reminder about who I am setting my hope in. Is it Peter to work hard and provide? Is it Peter’s company? Or is my hope secured in my God who will never let me down? If my hope was in the right place I would not find myself in a place of anger, but always a place of gratitude and joy, not dependent on circumstances. I so appreciate my patient and loving God for gently giving me a not-so-gentle reminder about what a difference one word can make.-and in turn what a difference my attitude can make. My circumstances have not changed, but things feel different. Maybe that is the lesson I am supposed to learn as I sit in the waiting room. It certainly beats reading a Highlights magazine.