As a mom there are some moments that ooze so much beauty that they are able to temporarily blot out all the ugly moments that come with mothering: when I hear Braxton giggle and chortle uncontrollably-so hard in fact that I find myself laughing almost as hard, all while cringing because I know at any moment he may throw up,
when Hayleigh asks to sing Braxton a lullaby and then serenades him with the sweetest, most tender, yet kind of absurd lullaby I have ever heard, when Braxton dances his crazy dance moves or practices his “gymnastics”, when Hayleigh pulls out one of her classic lines that makes me burst out laughing and melt at the cuteness and thoughtfulness of a three year old (today it was “my grapes are little geniuses. They are talking to me with water hats on. How silly, surprising, and wet!)
or when they both snuggle up for a story and burrow their little faces and elbows into me as if they are trying to climb back inside. Yes, moments like these come everyday. Some days there are more than others. Some days I take the time to notice them more than others. But when these moments come-you know, the moments that almost make time pause and the sun shine a little brighter- every negative little thing just melts away. Suddenly I don’t care that my hair is a mess and I probably am not going to get the chance to put make up and “normal” clothes on today. My mental to-list is suddenly forgotten, along with the pile of laundry on the window seat. That time five minutes ago when it was literally all I could do to not let loose the “mommy monster” on Hayleigh because she body slammed her brother to the ground…again? That time has long passed.
I have never much been one for the cliché phrase “live in the moment.” But I ordered some prints for a gallery wall that I am hoping to get finished in Hayleigh’s room sometime before she leaves for college and along with the prints came a little card that said, “live in the moment”. Maybe it was the color scheme or the design that kept me from throwing it away. But whatever the reason I started to think about it. I am still not super fond of the saying. Probably because it implies having no regard for your future-something which is often on my mind (in good and not-so-good ways.) The more I thought about it though, the more I thought I could adapt a little bit more of this “motto” into my life, especially because of the stage of life I am in. All too often I get caught up in things that don’t matter and I miss opportunities to stop, and immerse myself in the moment, so much so that I feel as if I am really living right there in that moment. This doesn’t just apply to moments with my kids. I just happen to spend more time with them than anyone else.
So, I am trying to have a more balanced perspective the past few weeks. I am trying to integrate living in the moment and relishing the time I have right now. I am trying to gain a new perspective that enables me to be held captive by the sweetness of the times Braxton looks up at Hayleigh with the adoring gaze he reserves only for his big sissy-his little hero.
I am trying to allow myself to really be moved by the gravity of the childlike love Hayleigh shows when she tells me “Mommy, you are my best friend. Did you know that you were my first friend in the whole world?”
Moments like this come every day, and if I don’t live in them while they linger for a time, then I know once they pass on by I will regret it. In a way, God uses the the sweet, beautiful moments to give me the fuel I need to weather the ugly ones.
When the moments come where I want to rip my hair out, or get in the car and just drive to escape it all for just a few minutes, in the moments when they are screaming at each other so loudly that they can’t even hear me trying to mediate, I will remember that these moments will eventually pass as quickly as the tender ones. Maybe if I choose to live in the tender ones, and weather the crazy, ugly ones, at the end of each day I will remember the beauty and not the chaos-or maybe better phrased the beauty in the chaos.