Anyway, what do you post about after having been absent for the better part of two months? I guess I will just talk about my projects during that time…my family. (Also a bit of laying on the couch for fear of moving and losing my entire lunch, but we can skip that part.) Since this past weekend was mother’s day, it also seems appropriate. I am one blessed lady. I have the family I have always dreamed of. Some moments feels more like a nightmare than a dream. And I have to be honest, the moments where my kids are whining and screaming and snotting everywhere, I find myself thinking of the rather large bump I am working on, and it seems like a bit of a nightmare. Amidst all the craziness though I find myself reflecting on all I have already learned in my past 3ish years of parenting. I think of how far I have come as a person without even realizing it. It makes those moments where I look at how far I have yet to come feel a little more manageable. God has used each of my children to teach me very different things in very different ways. I am getting pretty excited about what baby #3 will teach me too.
Hayleigh has taught me what instantaneous love is. She taught me how to feel protective of someone, to really sacrifice, without it feeling like a sacrifice for someone. She taught me what it feels like to fulfill your calling. I guess you could say she made me a mom.
She gave me confidence that despite being young, and poor, and kind of clueless and me that I could do this whole mother thing. She filled a void in my life that I knew was there because I could feel it, but I had never been able to diagnose what was meant to fill it. She taught me what it means to be connected to another person when you really know nothing about them except that they are yours. She taught me unconditional love. She pointed me to how God must feel towards me, and in the process made me feel the gravity of my role in the journey we were embarking on. Since, she has taught me how to try to wrangle my emotions and anxieties to try to be a godly example for her sensitive spirit. She has taught me to be more content with the passage of time, enjoying each stage as it comes rather than wishing my life away.
Baby #3 is already teaching me things. I am still wrestling with learning and accepting the things God is trying to teach me, but I can see already that this child is meant to teach and mold me in entirely different ways than his/her siblings. For instance, I am learning to rely on others for help more. I am learning to prioritize and accept that not everything is going to get done. I am learning that I need to allow myself the time I need to process this whole “unplanned” pregnancy and not feel guilty because I am a bit overwhelmed by it. I have had some bleeding on and off for a couple of weeks now and don’t have any real concrete answers. All day mother’s day I spent wondering whether or not I was miscarrying and even now I am not 100% sure that everything is okay with this baby. (I have an ultrasound on Friday). I am learning, yet again in my life, to surrender to God’s plan. And I am learning to choose gratitude even when I it is not my first feeling.
We took this picture Mother’s Day evening (when I look at myself in it I want to gag…can you say huge all over?!) I feel that whatever happens with this baby I needed to document it’s life and the lessons I am learning along the way.
There is so much beauty in my life. I am thankful for a husband who helps me to see the sunshine despite the occasional clouds and who truly partners with me in life. Mother’s Day was a lovely celebration of all the beauty.